Family Potrait

I really should be going to bed. I have a meeting at 6:30 tomorrow,....but when I need to speak I have to let it out. I tried to force myself to bed a few days ago, and after rolling in bed for an hour, decided I should just get up and let my mind be at peace with what it was struggling with comprehending.

So here I am, listening to Dancing in September...yes I am listening to a 70's Disco hit and I am bouncing my feet wishing I was dancing, and perhaps it is true that the effects of sleep deprivation mirror being drunk, because my inhibitions have dropped.

My dearest, and in fact only, brother celebrated his 28 birthday a few days ago. He decided he needed a rifle from the ranch, and so decided to make a journey home and back to Idaho in a day. He asked me to go, and I rearranged my schedule so I could leave as soon as I was done teaching. That meant overloading my schedule, but any chance to get back to the ranch I take.

This week has been busy. I am the teaching assistant for Dr. Walburger in Economics and Dr. Whoolery in Psychology. This week, Dr. Walburger left town and I covered his principle of Microeconomics classes. I love to teach and so it was a joy expounding to the students the basic theories of competition and market power. I had to sacrifice getting up at 5:45 and working out or playing racquetball, so I could instead get to class early and prepare, but it was well worth it. I have an affinity for teaching and would love to teach if I know I could support my family on a teacher's salary. Nonetheless, the highlight of my week was on Friday when my brother came to my class and watched me teach. After class got out, he and I drove up to Montana. I slept most of the way up, catching up on needed rest, but as soon as we entered the Big Hole Valley, I was wide awake. The serenity and anachronism of my valley puts me at peace whenever I enter it. I am reminded of the temple. Whenever I attend the temple, I take off my watch because I know time has no place there, and in sacredness I devote what is necessary to God, instead of the time I have allotted. The same is true of the Big Hole. I don't give myself a time schedule, instead I devote the time that is necessary there and if that is longer or shorter than expected, then so be it. We drove down the small hill into the where the houses are clustered together to see my grandmother out with the leaves and my cousin cutting down some of the shrubs. We climbed the steps to our front door, and entered to the smell of fresh squash pie and my smiling mother. My father was writing in his journal in the computer room. The moment we came in, Clay and I together, without his wife, and just my mother and my father home I felt like I was a little boy again. I remembered the years it was just the four of us. We always ate dinner together, my mother always had some type of desert, my father was always preoccupied in the computer room, and Clay and I were always being smart asses. It was a family potrait, a moment that will be imbedded in my heart and mind. My mother is the same, except for a few more wrinkles, as she has always been. My father is unchanged, except his cut and trim body from working out everyday is now a little softer as he has settled into his 60's. My brother is still tall and brooding, though his extra weight has softened his features and given him a twisted smirk the does not bely his true love and charity. Me....well I don't think I have changed...but I am older, more cynical, not the toothpick I always was, instead I am in the position of not being thin and not really being overweight. Clay and I both look more like our parents, and our mannerisms, from how we walk to how we talk, reflect our father. Time has entered that sacred valley, though I have sworn not to bring it, but those things most important never change. The love of the home, the drama of dealing with my grandma, the smell of the new steers recently boughten and watched out the front window, the cold seeping through the walls to the bone. Every part of my home makes my heart wrench and makes me never want to leave.

We all agreed to get a family potrait done this year. We have never had a picture taken as a family, and I think it would be good to start the tradition, and so we are going to add it. We talked politics, school, religion, jokes, and goals as we sat around the table and ate ham, oriental salad, potato salad, squash pie, water brought from the artisan well 2 miles away, fresh rolls, and fresh made jams. We moved into the living room and we rotated with Clay talking to Dad and my mother and I talking about our most recent forays into new literature. Then my father and I talking politics and where I will go to law school, if I ever want to get married (he is pushing the issue, he wants grandchildren) and how I look more like him the older I get. Soon, the 3 hour drive back to Rexburg looms on our minds, and we have only had 3 hours at the house. We pick up and head to grandma's. She complains, bemoans illegal immigration (though she is hispanic) and then talks about dying...some things never change, and so we joke back that we will start to party and misbehave as soon as she dies, and she get feisty as usual and lets us know that she is going to haunt us till we die. We leave, and Clay and I joke about how I will dig her out of the grave to sit at my graduation from law school, because she is the main reason I am going, just so she can be happy knowing her grandson finally obeyed her wishes. We go home and hug everyone, with mom continually finding ways to always be the last person to get a hug, and then circling around and getting another one. We agree to meet up on Saturday, of next week, when they all come down to my mother's uncle's funeral.

3 hours home are filled with good conversation with my brother and dear friend........ and as I walk back into my apartment, and reality, realize that truly the home is as spiritual and renewing as the temple. I pray I may have that same spirit in my home someday, so that my children can feel as renewed to deal with life when they visit me, as I feel when I visit my home in the mountains of Montana.

Two dear friends....two perspectives

I recently had a moment of questioning. I think we all experience these. We wonder if we are making the right choices in our life, and if we are truly accomplishing what it is that we are here to do. Doubt, its a plague of the human condition, and I felt it and I needed confirmation and guidance. I have many friends who I could turn to and many who I have in the past. In my own apartment I have close friends who know me and would eagerly encourage me to move forward and tell me that they have such trust in my abilities that I should never waiver. I could have called my family, and the concern and care of my mother with the wisdom of my father could have stilled my troubled heart....for a moment. I don't turn to these people when I am in doubt. My doubt is too deep and too real for those who rely on me to know. I have to turn to people who I trust to see my weakness and who will not judge me less to know that I have weaknesses. These two people are completely different, and the circumstances of our relationships are different, and yet they are similar in that I confide most in them.

I have a close friend from Livingston, Thom Blake. We have been close since his friend and I use to do Impromptu speech competitions together. From our relationship, I became acquainted with many people in Livingston, Montana. I met a girlfriend that changed my life, a friend who to this day I hold closer than any sister I could ever have, and my finally my confidant. Thom knew a "kid" completely different than me who was his "epitome" of intelligence. While I was the quintessential LDS youth at this point in my life, Hadden was the quintessential free thinker and free spirit. I met Hadden once, and was fascinated by him. Within a few months he had moved to Texas, and we continued to communicate through email and instant messages. We didn't know each other, but somehow we developed a friendship that was unique. He introduced me to Leonard Cohen and many other innovative thinkers, and I have no idea what I showed him, unless it was that someone as regimented as myself was not a bigot. Hadden is openly bisexual, though he favors men, and I never judged him for it. We have met since our first meeting only two other times. The last time was over a summer when I was in Livingston visiting my girlfriend. When I would leave her house at 2:00 in the morning I would meet up with Hadden and we would discuss life. He would smoke, and I would brood and with the stars as our companions we just discussed what made us different, how we felt and thought different. I learned to respect him, though I did not always agree with him, I learned to love him and hold him as a close friend. We talked throughout my own rebellious years. He cancelled me when I broke up with Alex, he talked me through my own doubts on life. My family got use to him calling and even my bigoted father was unabashed when my "gay" friend would call. Hadden is unique and his opinion matters more to me than anyone else I know save Danny. Hadden is intelligent, witty, and wise and he has taught me that life is more than labels, and it is meant to be lived and not contemplated.

Danny I met on my mission. He was in my apartment "wasting" time when he was suppose to be proselyting. I was cold with him and later had to apologize. He later became a District Leader and my closest advisor. I relied on him more than he knew. When I was worried about the mission or my zone, I knew all it took was a call to Danny and he would gently reassure and remind me of priorities. We stayed close throughout the mission, and my favorite memories include staying late listening to opera, as he explained to me the finer points of the art. I remember getting only two hours of sleep and then working hard all the next day, with my limited spanish, as we discussed Don Quixote and other literary masterpieces. He taught me "my" leadership style. He showed me that what destroys people more than criticism, is self doubt, and I learned to never allow those I served in capacity as a leader to feel that doubt. In short, Danny was my hero, and he still is. I want to be the type of father Danny will be, and I want to be the type of man he is today.

When I doubt I turn to both of these two. Hadden calls me at 3:00 in the morning and emails me. Danny responds the next morning. Both give advise the calms my soul and clears my mind, though their advice is different. They are like family to me. Though I know one only through our communication and not through physical contact over the last 8 years, and the other I know from close association of 2 years, and infrequent contact over the last 2,....though all of this, I hold them as dear as family.

We all need the time to doubt and to question ourselves. We all need to face the dark abyss and welcome it. When I look into the darkness I want and need Hadden and Danny behind me advising me. Until I am married and find one with whom to be one, they will be the my closest advisors, my dearest friends.

What are your idle thoughts.......

Today was "Business Summitt" at BYU-Idaho. It is an opportunity for students to have a legitimate reason to skip school all together, because most classes are cancelled to provide an opportunity to attend the guest speakers presentations. However, being in Senior Capstone for Economics, I was required to attend at least two of the break out sessions with our speakers. I would have preferred to have gone to Jon Huntsman Sr. presentation at 2:00 pm, but I was going to be working then. So, I went to a presentation made by a famous LDS author and investigative journalist. He spoke about himself.....a lot....but he made a comment that struck me.

"What do you think about when you have idle thoughts?".......... I don't usually have time for idle thoughts. My mind is constantly moving. I am worrying about what I have to do for school, about what I need to get done for my calling, about the situations of my friends, the cattle prices in Montana, my grandmother's health, my LSAT, my work schedule, my savings, if I am ever going to find who I am suppose to marry....the list goes on and on.....and so at first this comment made me laugh. "I am far too busy to have idle thoughts....." Then I realized that was not true. I remember the moments when I just sit, and stare....when my mind reboots and I can just think quietly and for a moment my life is my own and not an instrument being used for others. Other times include when I withdraw completely and just type and do Montana statistics. What do I think about when I have idle thoughts......two things really. I think about Montana and the growth in its cities. I think about the beauty of my state and how much I love it, how close I feel to it. The second thought, it always my ranch. With both those ideas in my mind I re-entered the world where the speaker went on to make his point. What you think about when you have idle thoughts is an indicator of how successful you will be in your career.

I was shocked......I always HOPED, I would be successful at law. I know I don't have the greatest love for it, but I do have a gift, at least that is what I have been told, for arguing and for presenting my case. Yet, this man told me my thoughts betrayed the level of my success. How can I make my thoughts part of my occupation?

I have never wanted to be a rancher, I still do not. I see what my father does, and although I would love the down time in winters, when you aren't feeding cattle or doctoring them, I could not handle the constant pressures of manual labor every day. I love the outdoors, and I would love the time to read, and to constantly to be finding ways to maximize profits, but I could not be my father. I don't have the mechanical skills or any other number of prerequisites needed to run our operation. Yet my mind constantly falls back to the fields of my home. I feel so connected to them. My father told me, "one day you will feel the land is your flesh and the water is like your blood." I remember him telling me this as we walked the fields irrigating by hand. I thought he was foolish, and I was only 8, but now that I am older I would not assume to have his affinity for the land, but I feel it deep within. I love those fields, the memories they hold bind the physical attributes of the land to me like a covenant. I cannot be parted from it, and for this reason I will never sell my ranch, and if there was more land and greater ability to merely financially run the ranch, and hire a foreman for the manual labor and everyday control, I would be eagerly looking forward to returning. I cannot return.....and so I am on a train to "somewhere" and my heart will forever be left behind in Montana and my ranch.

Late night ramblings

I was falling asleep on the couch at 10:30 when Dave came over to jam with Justin and my roommates, and so I naturally got up off the couch and headed for my bed. As is typical, I made a bad decision and drank a warm Mt. Dew before heading into my room. I sat quietly in my bed and read a few short stories from a book a friend bought me, and I was touched and wide awake. I don't know if it is the caffeine or merely my mind being forced to make sense of reality. Yet here I am......

I was worried Friday night about my LSAT. As confident as I was (I always do well on standardized tests, I didn't study for my SAT or ACT and got a 1480 and 34 on them) to take my LSAT, I knew that I hadn't put the required time into studying for it. Saturday proved the realization of my dread. I didn't do bad, I still understand almost all the arguments and reading comprehension and got over half the games done, but I knew that my innate ability, if used properly, would have allowed me to exceed instead of merely surviving. It was surreal as time would slowly be called and I would realize that I was not where I needed to be with my understanding. Each blank I had to randomly fill in was a small cut of my dream of going to Chicago, or at least "the" dream of going to Chicago. I left the test that day burning with anger at myself for not being prepared.

What are my dreams, and what am I doing just to please others. My life has been about duty to others, then to myself on those decisions I thought were important, and then the opposite, my hedonistic pleasure before others desires. My desire to be an attorney is of not burning desire in my heart to practice law. I was always told I would be good at it, even scholastic batteries designed to judged aptitude have repeatedly shown that a career in law is what I would excel at. I believe that we do what is most efficient for society, even at our own expense of happiness. Sacrifice is part of life. Further evidenced, I have wanted to be an attorney to satisfy my grandmother. She has given so much for me in her life. Her coming to America, suffering prejudice, marrying for security instead of love (her sacrifice) only to realize she loved a man after he died,....she has given more than I can understand. That is why I don't mind her hurtful remarks, her casual manner of living in an egocentric world....it doesn't matter because of what she gave for me. In her mind she is a success if her posterity has "made it" in America. Her son was an Olympian, her daughter won international championships for our country....but what she has always desired is to see an attorney or a doctor in her family. I will be an attorney, receive my JD and pass the bar before she dies if for no other reason than for her to die knowing her sacrifice wasn't in vain, and that even if it is a false notion, that she was a success evidenced by her grandson. So I inevitably prepare for another LSAT so I can possibly get into Chicago, and if not I have any of my other 9 law schools I have considered waiting to apply to and likely get accepted. My future is not my own, its tied into the sacrifice of generations, and so to will I sacrifice so the honor of the family and name will go on.

I wonder if this is how Adam felt as the first man. It doesn't matter if you believe religiously in him or not, though I will admit I do. If we view his life as allegorical to ourselves, we are all caught into his sacrifice for the eternities. I tried to explain once my decision to be an attorney to my dear friend Shelby. We sat by the train tracks outside the talc processing facility in Dillon. The stars were overhead and life was ourselves to take. Our shared ambition made the future brighter than star or moon could ever illuminate. Though life is dark as night, to our burning pride it was simple. Yet, she saw through all the facade and clearly touched the point, "why do you want to practice law when you don't even like it........" I tried to explain family obligations, that though unspoken I have felt my entire life. She told me my life was about finding happiness, and not about pleasing others....but what if my happiness is in the pleasure of others. I think now that Adam is the best way to explain it all. Being caught up in a destiny not of our own choosing, at least not completely, but forever tied to an originaly sacrifice, and original choice and from that we are caught in a conundrum of "why" or "what to do" and so the uncertainty of our lives is defined, and for that I am forever thankful. Perhaps that is why I have fallen in love with economics. It is not because I love finance, or even higher math, I just love the study of choices. Economics to me is the bastard child of politics, psychology, math, and logic. Together they have formed this hybrid that's only purpose is to maximize utility and efficiency in the world. Choices are not all equal, and perhaps my love of economics is based on the same love I have of psychology. By studying a field of study perhaps I can figure out my own greatest questions. In psychology it was to find out why I grew depressed, why I had felt overwhelmed with love for so many, and yet could feel so cold and mechanical in my actions. Now in economics I seek to answer which choice is the best, and I seemingly never make a choice that leads to my utlity, but rather only to my efficiency.

Why am I writing all of this tonight......a simple book. After reading an LDS author's reflections on life through is lense of short stories that mingled the mundane and sad of life with the mystical of dream and wish, I was touched. Why am I here, and I am I choosing right. I thought that today as I was walking on campus.....everyone always talks about finding themselves. They go backpacking in Europe, they live a cliche' and come home saying they truly understand who they are now, and we all fawn over their new awareness. I don't think the greatest journey is one thousands of miles away and in a different land. The greatest, most difficult journey, and the one that gives greatest awareness is the one where we travel deep within and face our uncertainty and realize that it is not within our power to overcome it. When we realize that we are nothing, that no matter our dreams and goals, they will all inevitably fall to the chasm of desire and at times despair, that centers in our heart. When we face that darkness, and realize it is not within our power to overcome it, then we have come full distance and we are ready to move on. I think that is where religion comes in, for me where I fully place the Atonement of Christ, recognizing my inability and the necessity for another. I think to often we try to find another person to fill that hole. We think a relationship will satisfy it. We think in the arms of another human being we can realize our weakness and be protected, but the hole is not shared, it is personal, and it is only through mutual understand that we can encourage each other to face that inifity of dark, but we cannot overcome for another. Unfortunately, whenever I have been faced with the great darkness, that hole, I simply put in another accomplishment, temporarily satisfying it, and then turn my back to it and move on. I have yet to make my journey, and I have not found myself.

These thoughts all came to a head tonight while at 1:30 I took a shower. I took it cold, I wanted to feel shocked, I wanted my body to realize its lack of control and to allow my mind to take full control in the realization that my body was powerless. Cold rivultes pouring down my body, I just laughed,....I am very tired and I am being a little weird, but I felt better and more in control of my thoughts. With that clarity came more questions and more need for answers.

I have gone full circle, I have rambled, I have postulated, and now I am going to listen to music, ....maybe dance a bit, and if I can't sleep, I'll take a long drive to nowhere and just think. Nothing is so lonely as your thoughts, and nothing is as comforting. Maybe I'll drive to Montana, get out and kiss the ground like I usually do....and then just sit and look at the stars. Maybe I'll go to Menan and visit the grave of my grandparents. I would like to sit there and watch the sunrise over the Menan Buttes and wonder why my grandfather was so honest, wonder why my grandmother so kind.....wonder what led the Hart family to leave Utah to go to Idaho. Again, more why's, more questions, all because of one sacrifice. Man's first sacrifice is now my sacrifice compounded. My grandmother's sacrifice is now the deciding factor in my life, and it won't matter where I go or what I do, I will someday have to make the greatest journey and realize that I am powerless.