Two dear friends....two perspectives

I recently had a moment of questioning. I think we all experience these. We wonder if we are making the right choices in our life, and if we are truly accomplishing what it is that we are here to do. Doubt, its a plague of the human condition, and I felt it and I needed confirmation and guidance. I have many friends who I could turn to and many who I have in the past. In my own apartment I have close friends who know me and would eagerly encourage me to move forward and tell me that they have such trust in my abilities that I should never waiver. I could have called my family, and the concern and care of my mother with the wisdom of my father could have stilled my troubled heart....for a moment. I don't turn to these people when I am in doubt. My doubt is too deep and too real for those who rely on me to know. I have to turn to people who I trust to see my weakness and who will not judge me less to know that I have weaknesses. These two people are completely different, and the circumstances of our relationships are different, and yet they are similar in that I confide most in them.

I have a close friend from Livingston, Thom Blake. We have been close since his friend and I use to do Impromptu speech competitions together. From our relationship, I became acquainted with many people in Livingston, Montana. I met a girlfriend that changed my life, a friend who to this day I hold closer than any sister I could ever have, and my finally my confidant. Thom knew a "kid" completely different than me who was his "epitome" of intelligence. While I was the quintessential LDS youth at this point in my life, Hadden was the quintessential free thinker and free spirit. I met Hadden once, and was fascinated by him. Within a few months he had moved to Texas, and we continued to communicate through email and instant messages. We didn't know each other, but somehow we developed a friendship that was unique. He introduced me to Leonard Cohen and many other innovative thinkers, and I have no idea what I showed him, unless it was that someone as regimented as myself was not a bigot. Hadden is openly bisexual, though he favors men, and I never judged him for it. We have met since our first meeting only two other times. The last time was over a summer when I was in Livingston visiting my girlfriend. When I would leave her house at 2:00 in the morning I would meet up with Hadden and we would discuss life. He would smoke, and I would brood and with the stars as our companions we just discussed what made us different, how we felt and thought different. I learned to respect him, though I did not always agree with him, I learned to love him and hold him as a close friend. We talked throughout my own rebellious years. He cancelled me when I broke up with Alex, he talked me through my own doubts on life. My family got use to him calling and even my bigoted father was unabashed when my "gay" friend would call. Hadden is unique and his opinion matters more to me than anyone else I know save Danny. Hadden is intelligent, witty, and wise and he has taught me that life is more than labels, and it is meant to be lived and not contemplated.

Danny I met on my mission. He was in my apartment "wasting" time when he was suppose to be proselyting. I was cold with him and later had to apologize. He later became a District Leader and my closest advisor. I relied on him more than he knew. When I was worried about the mission or my zone, I knew all it took was a call to Danny and he would gently reassure and remind me of priorities. We stayed close throughout the mission, and my favorite memories include staying late listening to opera, as he explained to me the finer points of the art. I remember getting only two hours of sleep and then working hard all the next day, with my limited spanish, as we discussed Don Quixote and other literary masterpieces. He taught me "my" leadership style. He showed me that what destroys people more than criticism, is self doubt, and I learned to never allow those I served in capacity as a leader to feel that doubt. In short, Danny was my hero, and he still is. I want to be the type of father Danny will be, and I want to be the type of man he is today.

When I doubt I turn to both of these two. Hadden calls me at 3:00 in the morning and emails me. Danny responds the next morning. Both give advise the calms my soul and clears my mind, though their advice is different. They are like family to me. Though I know one only through our communication and not through physical contact over the last 8 years, and the other I know from close association of 2 years, and infrequent contact over the last 2,....though all of this, I hold them as dear as family.

We all need the time to doubt and to question ourselves. We all need to face the dark abyss and welcome it. When I look into the darkness I want and need Hadden and Danny behind me advising me. Until I am married and find one with whom to be one, they will be the my closest advisors, my dearest friends.