Late night ramblings

I was falling asleep on the couch at 10:30 when Dave came over to jam with Justin and my roommates, and so I naturally got up off the couch and headed for my bed. As is typical, I made a bad decision and drank a warm Mt. Dew before heading into my room. I sat quietly in my bed and read a few short stories from a book a friend bought me, and I was touched and wide awake. I don't know if it is the caffeine or merely my mind being forced to make sense of reality. Yet here I am......

I was worried Friday night about my LSAT. As confident as I was (I always do well on standardized tests, I didn't study for my SAT or ACT and got a 1480 and 34 on them) to take my LSAT, I knew that I hadn't put the required time into studying for it. Saturday proved the realization of my dread. I didn't do bad, I still understand almost all the arguments and reading comprehension and got over half the games done, but I knew that my innate ability, if used properly, would have allowed me to exceed instead of merely surviving. It was surreal as time would slowly be called and I would realize that I was not where I needed to be with my understanding. Each blank I had to randomly fill in was a small cut of my dream of going to Chicago, or at least "the" dream of going to Chicago. I left the test that day burning with anger at myself for not being prepared.

What are my dreams, and what am I doing just to please others. My life has been about duty to others, then to myself on those decisions I thought were important, and then the opposite, my hedonistic pleasure before others desires. My desire to be an attorney is of not burning desire in my heart to practice law. I was always told I would be good at it, even scholastic batteries designed to judged aptitude have repeatedly shown that a career in law is what I would excel at. I believe that we do what is most efficient for society, even at our own expense of happiness. Sacrifice is part of life. Further evidenced, I have wanted to be an attorney to satisfy my grandmother. She has given so much for me in her life. Her coming to America, suffering prejudice, marrying for security instead of love (her sacrifice) only to realize she loved a man after he died,....she has given more than I can understand. That is why I don't mind her hurtful remarks, her casual manner of living in an egocentric world....it doesn't matter because of what she gave for me. In her mind she is a success if her posterity has "made it" in America. Her son was an Olympian, her daughter won international championships for our country....but what she has always desired is to see an attorney or a doctor in her family. I will be an attorney, receive my JD and pass the bar before she dies if for no other reason than for her to die knowing her sacrifice wasn't in vain, and that even if it is a false notion, that she was a success evidenced by her grandson. So I inevitably prepare for another LSAT so I can possibly get into Chicago, and if not I have any of my other 9 law schools I have considered waiting to apply to and likely get accepted. My future is not my own, its tied into the sacrifice of generations, and so to will I sacrifice so the honor of the family and name will go on.

I wonder if this is how Adam felt as the first man. It doesn't matter if you believe religiously in him or not, though I will admit I do. If we view his life as allegorical to ourselves, we are all caught into his sacrifice for the eternities. I tried to explain once my decision to be an attorney to my dear friend Shelby. We sat by the train tracks outside the talc processing facility in Dillon. The stars were overhead and life was ourselves to take. Our shared ambition made the future brighter than star or moon could ever illuminate. Though life is dark as night, to our burning pride it was simple. Yet, she saw through all the facade and clearly touched the point, "why do you want to practice law when you don't even like it........" I tried to explain family obligations, that though unspoken I have felt my entire life. She told me my life was about finding happiness, and not about pleasing others....but what if my happiness is in the pleasure of others. I think now that Adam is the best way to explain it all. Being caught up in a destiny not of our own choosing, at least not completely, but forever tied to an originaly sacrifice, and original choice and from that we are caught in a conundrum of "why" or "what to do" and so the uncertainty of our lives is defined, and for that I am forever thankful. Perhaps that is why I have fallen in love with economics. It is not because I love finance, or even higher math, I just love the study of choices. Economics to me is the bastard child of politics, psychology, math, and logic. Together they have formed this hybrid that's only purpose is to maximize utility and efficiency in the world. Choices are not all equal, and perhaps my love of economics is based on the same love I have of psychology. By studying a field of study perhaps I can figure out my own greatest questions. In psychology it was to find out why I grew depressed, why I had felt overwhelmed with love for so many, and yet could feel so cold and mechanical in my actions. Now in economics I seek to answer which choice is the best, and I seemingly never make a choice that leads to my utlity, but rather only to my efficiency.

Why am I writing all of this tonight......a simple book. After reading an LDS author's reflections on life through is lense of short stories that mingled the mundane and sad of life with the mystical of dream and wish, I was touched. Why am I here, and I am I choosing right. I thought that today as I was walking on campus.....everyone always talks about finding themselves. They go backpacking in Europe, they live a cliche' and come home saying they truly understand who they are now, and we all fawn over their new awareness. I don't think the greatest journey is one thousands of miles away and in a different land. The greatest, most difficult journey, and the one that gives greatest awareness is the one where we travel deep within and face our uncertainty and realize that it is not within our power to overcome it. When we realize that we are nothing, that no matter our dreams and goals, they will all inevitably fall to the chasm of desire and at times despair, that centers in our heart. When we face that darkness, and realize it is not within our power to overcome it, then we have come full distance and we are ready to move on. I think that is where religion comes in, for me where I fully place the Atonement of Christ, recognizing my inability and the necessity for another. I think to often we try to find another person to fill that hole. We think a relationship will satisfy it. We think in the arms of another human being we can realize our weakness and be protected, but the hole is not shared, it is personal, and it is only through mutual understand that we can encourage each other to face that inifity of dark, but we cannot overcome for another. Unfortunately, whenever I have been faced with the great darkness, that hole, I simply put in another accomplishment, temporarily satisfying it, and then turn my back to it and move on. I have yet to make my journey, and I have not found myself.

These thoughts all came to a head tonight while at 1:30 I took a shower. I took it cold, I wanted to feel shocked, I wanted my body to realize its lack of control and to allow my mind to take full control in the realization that my body was powerless. Cold rivultes pouring down my body, I just laughed,....I am very tired and I am being a little weird, but I felt better and more in control of my thoughts. With that clarity came more questions and more need for answers.

I have gone full circle, I have rambled, I have postulated, and now I am going to listen to music, ....maybe dance a bit, and if I can't sleep, I'll take a long drive to nowhere and just think. Nothing is so lonely as your thoughts, and nothing is as comforting. Maybe I'll drive to Montana, get out and kiss the ground like I usually do....and then just sit and look at the stars. Maybe I'll go to Menan and visit the grave of my grandparents. I would like to sit there and watch the sunrise over the Menan Buttes and wonder why my grandfather was so honest, wonder why my grandmother so kind.....wonder what led the Hart family to leave Utah to go to Idaho. Again, more why's, more questions, all because of one sacrifice. Man's first sacrifice is now my sacrifice compounded. My grandmother's sacrifice is now the deciding factor in my life, and it won't matter where I go or what I do, I will someday have to make the greatest journey and realize that I am powerless.