I have not written in a long time. I doubt anyone truly reads this, but the cathartic relief is sufficient to encourage me to write once again.
Where do I begin,....seeing that I have been absent so long, it will suffice to start somewhere in the middle. I will call this the new beginning, and as we shall see, it is much like the "same ol same ol" of my life.
I have finished my first year of law school, and I have been encouraged, discouraged, fallen in love, broken up, dated, stressed, slept very little, and ultimately questioned why I am even pursuing this career. In the end, I am still in long school and doing decent.
I remember the first few weeks of school. Having grown accustomed to walking into a classroom setting and within a few class periods realizing there were a handful of students that would be competition for grades, law school has come as a shock. Week after week, it was I who was not understanding and I would listen in awe as the intelligent answers would surround me. I was among equals at the least, and more likely, individuals whose capabilities and levels of understanding far surpassed my own. It was a nice dose of humility. To this day I periodically pray for God to humble me. The very essence of that request leads to an implication that I am prideful. I do not feel myself arrogant, but I do know that I have pride and that I perform my best and am closest to my God when I debased and seeking his aide. I feel law school was a giant "smack down" from my Father who knew I needed to turn to him for aide once again.
That is the conundrum isn't it? In school and life we are taught to rely on our abilities, work in teams, but rely on in our skills. We are rewarded for those talents and the efforts and we are punished or fail as an individuals typically. To seek the aide of another, and then to judge your existence and success in his terms is a hard lesson to learn, and unfortunately it is a lesson I am being continually taught.
The first semester turned out alright, mainly because of a few dears friends who pounded away at the books with me the last few weeks. Kyle Woodhouse and his playful competition, but older brother kindness was instrumental in my success, as was the perseverance of my dear friend Molly. Unfortunately, Molly and I do not continue to be close, but I deeply respect and am so thankful for her. We took practice tests all the time, and when the time for the real tests came, we were prepared. My grades were....well far better than I ever deserved. As the grades came out, I came to the realization that I had the capacity to do well in law school, but it would require more effort.
Enter the plague of relationships. I LOVE physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy. I crave attention and physical contact, and so I am very open to relationships. However, I am not good at committing, although I never cheat,....I get cold feet quite often. I always find a perfect excuse out of a relationship....my school. So it was for the last two semesters where I would jump from a relationship, to a quasi relationship, back to a relationship. Above all of this was the struggle to separate my feelings for someone I had grown to believe I might marry. Our on and off again relationship wreaked havoc on any other potential I had. My family grew distant as I separated from them and their discouragement. It wasn't until I saw the destruction in my life that I realized no matter how much I wanted something, it wasn't worth losing everything else for it. THAT realization brought a second realization....I should be willing to give up everything for someone and since I was not willing to do that here...it was not the right person. So I let go...and found someone new...someone who has edified me and made me feel close to complete again.
Second semester....grades were not as forthcoming, but I studied harder and in return I feel more proud of what I learned in the second semester than what I learned and accomplished my first semester. I tried out for every co-curricular team that I could. I made Trial Ad. team, then I competed in Moot Court and I won the competition, off brief no less in the final. My own written brief was awarded a top 5 position. When grades come out, I had fallen, but was still in a relatively good position to apply for jobs in the fall.
Those last weeks are school were magical, or at least the lack of sleep made them appear as such. I spent the majority of my time with Shalise, studying, working, and occasionally going to do something fun. All our first dates were hindered by bad turns of luck. I fell sick and had to throw up at the premier of The Hunger Games, she got sick after we got frozen yogurt and went for a midnight drive up the canyon,....and so the perseverance finally led us to walking Y mount together. After a short time together, and many long hours working at law review, we both said goodbye as she went to Germany and I headed to Guatemala.
In Guatemala I had an experience of a life time. My spanish improved, I fell in love with a culture and people, and ultimately felt closer to my grandmother than I have ever in my life. I understood better her frame of reference to life after seeing the poverty and corruption in Central America, and yet I found out where her spice and eagerness for life comes from. I was robbed at gun point, felt up at gun point, got amoebas and lost ten pounds, rode the craziest most dangerous buses, renewed friendships, met indigenous Mayans in the highlands, saw all of the Oriente in Guatemala, and strengthened my testimony. Guatemala was just what my life needed. More than any legal training I received working as an extern for the Central American Legal Counsel for the LDS Church, I was taught to turn to the Lord again. It was with a heavy heart I left Guatemala. I feel a part of my family is still there in the form of the Gordillo family, who opened their hearts to me.
Next, came China...and presenting my economic thesis on agricultural collusion and its ability to control for seasonality. I flew by myself after one day in Provo, which I spent with Shalise, to China. Shanghai was gorgeous, but it was also so polluted. No one spoke English in China, and so I was at a loss. In Guatemala I could communicate in Spanish and many people spoke English, but in China I was truly lost. I stayed in a five star hotel, ate like a king, and suffered with massive jet lag. After presenting my thesis, I later traveled by bullet train going 350 mph, up to Beijing in 5 hours. There I rented a private tour guide and car and traveled to the Great Wall of China, Forbidden City, Tianamen Square, and a private tea ceremony. I wasted more money that I should have getting presents. The beauty of traveling and buying gifts, is not that you want the gifts or even need them, but you love the feeling of joy you receive as someone else gets a gift and their face lights up in joy.
My credit cards and debit cards were put on hold because the banks did not keep them open for international use for an extra day, and so at the airport I was going to be left with no money. A kind chinese woman working for American Airlines allowed me to take my extra suitcase on with no extra payment. The generosity was heartfelt and I cried. That is a story with a moral that I will need to write later.
Back in Utah, I had a dear friend come visit me from New York, and then I traveled later to Seattle to visit Shalise and her family. At this point....I was very tired of airports. However, the Pacific Northwest has a way of rejuvenating me. I must express a preference for Oregon and its coast, but I did love the Puget Sound. We saw an animal preserve, drove to Mattawa to a reception for my dearest friend Danny, and then spent time with her family. After a few days, I returned back to Provo and working on a religious treatise on land usage for religious organizations and research on water rights by prior appropriation in the West. A few more weeks past, and then I was on an airplane to interview in Texas for the potential of a summer job next year. After meeting with Sidley Austin, Vinson Elkins, Locke Lorde, and K&L Gates....I realized that perhaps I did want to be an attorney. I always have wanted to be an attorney, but the editing of a treatise is not the most exciting fare for a summer. Still, these firms posed a bright future where intellectual stimulation seemed to be a daily occurrence, or at least a weekly occurrence. My interviews were all failures, but at least my passion for a career had come back.
Back in Provo...and this last weekend. I am cleaning my room, my apartment, and finishing work on the treatise. School starts to soon....and I am preparing for more interviews.
This whole message was meant to express my feelings, and it has instead become a travel log. I will write in the not so distance future about something more substantive, and I will add pictures!
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